I haven’t written on this blog for several years and it’s interesting to re-read what I’ve written and see how my perspectives may or not have changed with maturity.
First of all, I no longer dread being alone. I’m more comfortable in my bones. I expect less of myself, as I age, and I enjoy the peace when life is quiet. Don’t get me wrong – I still enjoy my time with my hubby, my precious life partner of almost 41 years – and with other family members and friends. I just find that, I like myself (most of the time) and I enjoy my thoughts, journaling, reading, handwork and the ability to be creative.
The last couple of years have taught me many new life lessons. As a younger person, I thought people grew old and life was pretty easy for them – they just lived happily ever after. It wasn’t until I was in my mid-thirties, that I realized that wasn’t necessarily true. My parents never had a chance to grow old together. When my father-in-law died in his early 60’s due to a freak accident, I saw trauma affect a family whose members normally lived well into their 90’s. That shock, once again brought grief to the forefront of my life and it was time to deal with it.
Grief has been a constant throughout my life. In the last few years, my reaction to the grief, loss, feelings and thoughts, is what I am made of. I’ve learned about my own mental health, being diagnosed with Major Depression and Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Those “terms” took time to understand and overcome my own stigma of being a depressed person. I have learned many of my reactions to life in general are the result of the trauma I experienced as a child. These lessons have actually brought freedom – free from the disappointment of others and myself, as I develop more realistic views of myself and how I react to circumstances that happen in my life.
I am experiencing grace. The undeserved acceptance of self as well as others. As a child I didn’t deserve the emotional and physical abuse from my mother and brother. The distain I held onto for years about myself and my family has less power over me, as I come to realize I did nothing wrong as a child. Familial lack of love and acceptance was not my fault. These folks just never learned the skill sets to love or manage their lives, thus leading to the extreme frustration and anger they took out on me.
This grace is a powerful tool. It brings an inner peace. Yes, there are still times when the old tapes replay in my brain and I begin to panic and live with the guilt and shame of my childhood – but the turn around time is far quicker now – and the pain teaches me valuable lessons with each episode.
I’m not whole yet, but I’m working on becoming the trusting, loving child of God, I was meant to be at the beginning of this life. And hopefully, I can pass on some of my knowledge to family members, friends and strangers who are or become a part of my life. I believe we are meant to share our stories and by doing so – receive some healing in the process. Coffee time lends itself to opening up with a safe person and learning about one another in a caring authentic manner.
COFFEEHOUSE CONVERSATIONS 