I Hate Being Alone

The last 24 hours have reminded me how much I hate being alone. Strong words I know, but it’s really true for me. My husband and I have been married 37 years. That’s a long time to have a life partner and I am never more aware of that blessing than when I have to spend time all by myself.

I feel like I’m a lost soul when I’m all alone – even though I’ve claimed God’s love for me, I still get anxious, paralyzed with depression and just feel sick inside. I know it’s not healthy to feel this way, so I push myself to get out, call a friend or family member, get ‘busy’ or just do something, anything. Sometimes those things help, but the fact is I’m still alone and I don’t like it. So I’m trying to reflect here on why it is that I feel the way I do. What in my life has caused me to react this way?

Well, I think about being a little girl, who never gained confidence in myself or who I would become. From the time I can remember, my mother told me I should never have been born, she drank excessively causing neglect, starvation, an unkept environment and gave no expression of love or tenderness of any kind. My dad died when I was 8, and from then on I experienced physical beatings and was even locked out of the safety of my home.

Even with all that abuse, I sat next to my mom in the hospital when I was 15 and watched her die right before my eyes. Over that 5 day period, I rode the bus to and from the hospital by myself. Late one night a nurse told me to go home around 10 p.m. I sat on the bus all alone – I didn’t want to be there, I felt a real panic. I woke up at 5 a.m. to go back to the hospital, but at 5:30 I got a call saying my mom was dead. I felt so guilty for not being there with her during her last breaths, even though she was comatose and had no idea I was there. I waited a few hours before calling my grandmother to tell her that her daughter was dead. There was no one beside me to console me or help me through my grief, I was left all alone to figure it out and care for myself. My mother never made any plans for her death or burial. I did it with the aid of a kind Navy chaplain. I truly don’t know how I survived for those two and half months.

That was when an aunt and uncle came to get me and take me to live with them in their beautiful home. Little did I know, I would become their personal housecleaner – I was given a list of chores to complete every day before I could do my homework or go out to school or church events. I spotlessly cleaned the kitchen, bathrooms and vacuumed every day and on weekends I also washed all the windows, inside and out of their 3,000 sq. ft. home with ammonia and newspaper. I watched the world go by from their quiet pristine country club type front room, once again all alone. The losses mounted through the years, but at 23, I suffered one of my greatest losses, the terrible auto accident which left me in chronic pain with lingering health issues for the rest of my life.

I certainly haven’t experienced only loses in my life. I have been truly blessed in many ways. As a teen I came to know a precious and loving God, with a sincere acceptance of grace and mercy and a faith that has grown stronger through the decades. I am blessed to be married to an incredibly patient husband for all these years. He has been a rock of strength, love and support – and I have the most incredible children and grandchildren in the world.

In many ways, this ‘conversation’ has helped me understand why I don’t like being alone. I’ve never identified what has added to my anguish and I just pray someday I can find peace in it. I am grateful for the dear friends and family who want to and choose to be a part of my daily life. Thank you.